Dear Marcus,
You made it to earth around this time at the hospital last year! You were born when I finally let go of my own will of natural birth after the Saturday mass of St. Mary's. It was the very first lesson that you taught mommy about letting go of my plans for the best of your sake. It was hard. When I looked at the scar of my tummy, I remember about the recovery of my postpartum. It was challenging because I lost your grandpa. Everything seemed very dark, except your smiles and your company through my everyday grief and despair. Although you cried a lot in the first three months of your life, you actually made me feel more secure than I ever can be. My life is different because you gave a new meaning to everything in the present and the future!
Today, it's your first birthday. I have a lot to say to you, but at the same time, my love can never be fully expressed unless I perform actions of love for you. Daddy and I put together a party for you with your baby friends! When you will be older, you will be able to see the pictures and look at your friends who were at your party. I feel very sorry that you don't have grandparents around to celebrate, because both Daddy and I have a job and a network of friends around. I am sure that Gong Gong and Poh Poh are with you as we celebrate at your birthday. Yeh Yeh and Maah Maah are also thinking of you from Toronto!
It was a lot of fun that your baby friends ate a lot and your older friends enjoyed the balloons. It was quite an amazing scene to see! I can't wait to see more birthday parties coming up for you. Seeing you growing everyday makes me the happiest person on earth!
We love you, Marcus!
- from Mommy (and Daddy)
Sunday, April 14, 2013
Saturday, April 06, 2013
愛篇 － 給我最愛的爸爸
從爸爸於上年去世之後，傷感的情緒依舊淡淡地每天伴著我。 一方面我理智上了解到爸爸年時而高去世是一種福氣；另一方面為我們短暫的父女感情而感到唏噓。 由移民到喪母，我們經歷過很多才能彼此諒解。
現在我要為爸爸的生命畫上一個句號，同時也為自己鼓勵去踏入人生另一階段。 雖然我希望自己能永遠在爸媽身旁，但是人生的路是要一直地走下去，直到有一天我們能在天堂相遇為止。
我要感謝天父：投過信仰，好讓我接受到爸爸是經歷另一種生命的延續中，他依然生存著。 在香港短短的三個星期，我帶著寶寶去探望我的親人。 以前爸爸和他們尚有交情，能見到他們讓我感到很欣慰。今次也成功地去拜祭了太公和舅公，總算了結一個很大的心願。 我深深體會到與親人之間的可貴，並不因為有血緣關係而特別的好，反而因為彼此珍惜去關愛和敬重才是最寶貴的。
從寶寶出生至現今的短短一年，我對做人有了不同的觀點，畢竟沒有爸爸溺愛之下的現實是加速的成長。你以為一些人與事會發生，或是不認為的卻發生了，往往是不在自己控制的範圍內。 我只能說人的生死並不是人可控制，你只能光著眼去看著它發生，好像看到自己愛的先人與這世界的緣分盡了，也只能默默地離開。 這種感覺是很無奈，有時候更是很無助。不知道是否每一個人面對死亡有同一種感覺呢？ 其實，我要感謝過去對我不好的人與事，因為我變得更懂得珍惜真誠，而往往是經過時間的洗禮才能看得出。
爸爸，謝謝你給我生命，養我、育我，很努力工作去給我最好的教育，培養我成為有用的人。雖然你現在不在我的身邊，我無時無刻記得你跟我說過的道理，我會好好地記住的。 還有，謝謝你曾經嘗試過去改變自己的飲食方式，我已經沒有生你的氣了。 只是覺得很無奈我們不能一起和panda寶寶一起長大，心裡有一份無名的孤單。
親愛的爸爸，I love you!
現在我要為爸爸的生命畫上一個句號，同時也為自己鼓勵去踏入人生另一階段。 雖然我希望自己能永遠在爸媽身旁，但是人生的路是要一直地走下去，直到有一天我們能在天堂相遇為止。
我要感謝天父：投過信仰，好讓我接受到爸爸是經歷另一種生命的延續中，他依然生存著。 在香港短短的三個星期，我帶著寶寶去探望我的親人。 以前爸爸和他們尚有交情，能見到他們讓我感到很欣慰。今次也成功地去拜祭了太公和舅公，總算了結一個很大的心願。 我深深體會到與親人之間的可貴，並不因為有血緣關係而特別的好，反而因為彼此珍惜去關愛和敬重才是最寶貴的。
從寶寶出生至現今的短短一年，我對做人有了不同的觀點，畢竟沒有爸爸溺愛之下的現實是加速的成長。你以為一些人與事會發生，或是不認為的卻發生了，往往是不在自己控制的範圍內。 我只能說人的生死並不是人可控制，你只能光著眼去看著它發生，好像看到自己愛的先人與這世界的緣分盡了，也只能默默地離開。 這種感覺是很無奈，有時候更是很無助。不知道是否每一個人面對死亡有同一種感覺呢？ 其實，我要感謝過去對我不好的人與事，因為我變得更懂得珍惜真誠，而往往是經過時間的洗禮才能看得出。
爸爸，謝謝你給我生命，養我、育我，很努力工作去給我最好的教育，培養我成為有用的人。雖然你現在不在我的身邊，我無時無刻記得你跟我說過的道理，我會好好地記住的。 還有，謝謝你曾經嘗試過去改變自己的飲食方式，我已經沒有生你的氣了。 只是覺得很無奈我們不能一起和panda寶寶一起長大，心裡有一份無名的孤單。
親愛的爸爸，I love you!
Monday, December 20, 2010
How to Teach?
After enroling in the program for 4 months, I have felt that my whole being is 'sucked up' because of the level of commitment required for everyday preparation. For some other people, it would be fine to participate a bit more with class social activities or even some extra training. I always seem to struggle with time and regular needs. I even find myself changing my sleep schedule, work habits, and eating preferences. It is unbelievable! I very much hope to read a bit more books (I haven't read much or exercised much to fulfill the needs of being a teacher!). It feels like a plant having no water in the roots. Reading, resting, and exercising is just like finding an oasis in a desert. I would have no idea how people would survive by going out every night for drinks, dates, and church commitments. There is no time or space left for self-nourishment in the mind and the soul.
Teaching in Vancouver is challenging because we are struggling with the diverse needs of student population. It is very diverse that makes teachers feeling a bit uneasy, because teachers should aim to work with many cultural and religious differences. We have to identify the living environment of the student in order to be supportive, constructive, and positive about their learning process. Comparing to the system in HK, students in Vancouver have more freedom to express who they are, learn what they desire, and have more opportunities to discover about self. For instance, students in HK have a teen culture that evolves around exams, competition, and preparation towards foreign secondary institutes. I feel sorry for the little ones who constantly go to after-school tutoring, just because they can win the game ahead of everyone measured according to time but not their level of intelligence. Although I have had a hard time with students in Vancouver 'slacking off' by having no homework, I think that having homework is a means to train self-discipline and studying habits. It helps students to develop a sense of commitment to something that requires their attention that is essential and be personally responsible for it. I don't believe that students know how to regulate their own self, unless someone like a parent or a teacher who models and guides their thoughts and actions. I would have a hard time if parents challenge me about the necessity of giving homework. As teachers, we would have to spend time in marking them. There is a reason why we give homework in order to keep learning as two-way. Students don't just listen receptively. They think about the questions that they don't know at home and would come back to discuss together in-class. They learn how to work with others. As far as I know, I'd be a bit disappointed when students don't do their homework and would expect to pass each grade. It would be a tough time for me as a new teacher.
Teaching in Vancouver is challenging because we are struggling with the diverse needs of student population. It is very diverse that makes teachers feeling a bit uneasy, because teachers should aim to work with many cultural and religious differences. We have to identify the living environment of the student in order to be supportive, constructive, and positive about their learning process. Comparing to the system in HK, students in Vancouver have more freedom to express who they are, learn what they desire, and have more opportunities to discover about self. For instance, students in HK have a teen culture that evolves around exams, competition, and preparation towards foreign secondary institutes. I feel sorry for the little ones who constantly go to after-school tutoring, just because they can win the game ahead of everyone measured according to time but not their level of intelligence. Although I have had a hard time with students in Vancouver 'slacking off' by having no homework, I think that having homework is a means to train self-discipline and studying habits. It helps students to develop a sense of commitment to something that requires their attention that is essential and be personally responsible for it. I don't believe that students know how to regulate their own self, unless someone like a parent or a teacher who models and guides their thoughts and actions. I would have a hard time if parents challenge me about the necessity of giving homework. As teachers, we would have to spend time in marking them. There is a reason why we give homework in order to keep learning as two-way. Students don't just listen receptively. They think about the questions that they don't know at home and would come back to discuss together in-class. They learn how to work with others. As far as I know, I'd be a bit disappointed when students don't do their homework and would expect to pass each grade. It would be a tough time for me as a new teacher.
Road to Sainthood
I thought I'd never write about my mother, because her story should end as her life 'ended' about 10 years ago back in Vancouver. My enriched perception about life and death is part of being 'who I am' and 'why I am here.' I feel challenged and confused as my aging father is sharing more and more about himself. What would happen if my father had a second spouse? Why do we live the way that we are today? Is it all about social development or economic advantage? Or, is it because that we all are striving for a fuller spiritual entity that defines who we are as we end our lives on earth? I don't seem to know. Or, I sometimes even struggle with what I feel.
St. Augustine says, "The absence of good is evil." I tell my friends how important it is to be a good person, because we have to do good and choose to do it.
It is a very blessed time to visit the churches in Macau and Hong Kong, because I see a very different life form in this part of the world where the word of God is practised and spread. I enjoy every single moment to pray to God and ask for His providence and peace. Sometimes, the longer I stay in Asia, the more I feel that I'm lost from my Vancouver home. My goal should always be having my eyes on God because I should strive for the uncorrupted body with fragrant prayer reaching up to the heaven. I pray for the repose of my mother's soul and the peace of our family. In Jesus' name, amen.
St. Augustine says, "The absence of good is evil." I tell my friends how important it is to be a good person, because we have to do good and choose to do it.
It is a very blessed time to visit the churches in Macau and Hong Kong, because I see a very different life form in this part of the world where the word of God is practised and spread. I enjoy every single moment to pray to God and ask for His providence and peace. Sometimes, the longer I stay in Asia, the more I feel that I'm lost from my Vancouver home. My goal should always be having my eyes on God because I should strive for the uncorrupted body with fragrant prayer reaching up to the heaven. I pray for the repose of my mother's soul and the peace of our family. In Jesus' name, amen.
Wednesday, November 24, 2010
Awake in the middle of the night...
Restlessly, I crept out of bed this morning with a lingering thought. As I walked downstairs, I felt much safer and warmer as I reached out looking at the beautiful Christmas tree. The more I see it, the more I feel that I have a stronger presence.
As an honest truth, my senior high school was never a pleasant experience. I struggled through personal issues with family and relationship problems. Although academic marks were good enough to get me into the university, I never felt belonged but rejected.
I remembered that having pairs of eyes watching me from time to time in school. There were some very kind people who heard stories about me, but I didn't even know who they were. I received all that 'public attention', but none personally from this person whom I cared but I could not express my feelings. I was confused.
However, in the deepest valleys of my mind, I dreamed of this growing child who also becomes part of this fantasized world. I saw this child calling out his unique name. I wonder why my dreams would involve a person's child whom I haven't seen for almost 10 years+. At the end of the day, do I really care?
Having said that, are men really 'proud' of their number of girlfriends whom they have met before their marriage or when will they have their first sexual encounter? If you really love your wife, do you even care saying this to the world? I ponder. What kind of self-esteem is this? I also question why men would call their 'girlfriends' like 'discernment partners', 'sexual partners', partners, partners, partners... it sounds like that they are just your business partners!
I also feel that women care for the quality of their relationship with the counterparts over the quantity of relationships that make us who we are. If men are not there for women, this is just a fake relationship! Period. A relationship has to be substantial. It fills our souls, our minds, and our thoughts. It does not exist in the world that men claims to know multiples ones in one place, or a series of them with one in each city. To me, personally, this claim is an absolutely insult.
In my entire life, I have been a 'middle person' for two couples. One was back in the senior highschool years. They are still dating together, but haven't got married yet. One is in the university years, they are going to get married next year. I wish I could be there to bless them and make a positive difference in this chaotic world of 'love matters.'
I learned that I didn't trust people's words over the course of years. Perhaps this would be the only way to truly protect myself. I was surprised that my husband found a way to break the ice and give me a lot of strength to overcome this trust issue. He did mention to me at one point that he sensed this problem out from me. I just wish that this could truly be resolved, because why should we be held back from our past experiences when the situation set us up for failures?
It was a painful experience. Yet, I also thought that if people are sensible enough, they would learn how to care for others, grow maturely, and be the kind of person who bring the best of our ourselves. A kid exists for his or her own purpose. He/ she doesn't exist for us to relive our experiences or a patch to our selfish hearts. He/ she is not an instrument or tool to be used, given by God as a second chance, as a way to heal the broken hearts that we once experienced. Perhaps I'm being too critical, I just wish that kids are kids. Leave them alone. Let them to be who they are. That also reminds me to be critical about myself not doing it! I was once a victim of this terrible loophole which seems to be no end...
If only one day, I can truly forgive and forget this person who sticks out in my dream from time to time... just leave me alone!!!
As an honest truth, my senior high school was never a pleasant experience. I struggled through personal issues with family and relationship problems. Although academic marks were good enough to get me into the university, I never felt belonged but rejected.
I remembered that having pairs of eyes watching me from time to time in school. There were some very kind people who heard stories about me, but I didn't even know who they were. I received all that 'public attention', but none personally from this person whom I cared but I could not express my feelings. I was confused.
However, in the deepest valleys of my mind, I dreamed of this growing child who also becomes part of this fantasized world. I saw this child calling out his unique name. I wonder why my dreams would involve a person's child whom I haven't seen for almost 10 years+. At the end of the day, do I really care?
Having said that, are men really 'proud' of their number of girlfriends whom they have met before their marriage or when will they have their first sexual encounter? If you really love your wife, do you even care saying this to the world? I ponder. What kind of self-esteem is this? I also question why men would call their 'girlfriends' like 'discernment partners', 'sexual partners', partners, partners, partners... it sounds like that they are just your business partners!
I also feel that women care for the quality of their relationship with the counterparts over the quantity of relationships that make us who we are. If men are not there for women, this is just a fake relationship! Period. A relationship has to be substantial. It fills our souls, our minds, and our thoughts. It does not exist in the world that men claims to know multiples ones in one place, or a series of them with one in each city. To me, personally, this claim is an absolutely insult.
In my entire life, I have been a 'middle person' for two couples. One was back in the senior highschool years. They are still dating together, but haven't got married yet. One is in the university years, they are going to get married next year. I wish I could be there to bless them and make a positive difference in this chaotic world of 'love matters.'
I learned that I didn't trust people's words over the course of years. Perhaps this would be the only way to truly protect myself. I was surprised that my husband found a way to break the ice and give me a lot of strength to overcome this trust issue. He did mention to me at one point that he sensed this problem out from me. I just wish that this could truly be resolved, because why should we be held back from our past experiences when the situation set us up for failures?
It was a painful experience. Yet, I also thought that if people are sensible enough, they would learn how to care for others, grow maturely, and be the kind of person who bring the best of our ourselves. A kid exists for his or her own purpose. He/ she doesn't exist for us to relive our experiences or a patch to our selfish hearts. He/ she is not an instrument or tool to be used, given by God as a second chance, as a way to heal the broken hearts that we once experienced. Perhaps I'm being too critical, I just wish that kids are kids. Leave them alone. Let them to be who they are. That also reminds me to be critical about myself not doing it! I was once a victim of this terrible loophole which seems to be no end...
If only one day, I can truly forgive and forget this person who sticks out in my dream from time to time... just leave me alone!!!
Saturday, October 02, 2010
3rd week of classes
This weekend, we have been all tired by Friday afternoon that some of us fell asleep in class, some got sick, and some just got anxious about the assignments that will be due next week. It has been a month of valuable experiences! (1 out of 10 months has been done!) Kinda excited, but at the same time, overwhelmed!! For some people, it's easy because they only have to deal with their own personal life, but for me, I had to juggle with a couple of commitments to make my first month work. Work, volunteering, b-days, and family visits have made my weekends almost packed with stuff!!! I hope to take the weekends off to recoup, cook, and nourish, but apparently this hasn't been happening except today (just because I'm sick at home). I hate this feeling! I really wanna be up and going again!!
I started my first practicum last Tuesdays, which was valuable because I got to observe classrooms of K, Grade 2, Grade 3, Grade 6, and Grade 7. I skipped out Grades 1, 4, and 5 because I have got no time. I really like the different grades that I was able to observe, although my concentration should be with the intermediate grades. I have to watch clearly what and how I speak in classroom, because this is the essential communication that I convey, plus some non-verbal gestures. I noticed that my fac advisor is very good at picking out my mistakes, but at the same time, I want this practice because this is the only way to be better! I have a lot of delivery skills to work upon, which hopefully will be a fruitful experience afterall!
I started my first practicum last Tuesdays, which was valuable because I got to observe classrooms of K, Grade 2, Grade 3, Grade 6, and Grade 7. I skipped out Grades 1, 4, and 5 because I have got no time. I really like the different grades that I was able to observe, although my concentration should be with the intermediate grades. I have to watch clearly what and how I speak in classroom, because this is the essential communication that I convey, plus some non-verbal gestures. I noticed that my fac advisor is very good at picking out my mistakes, but at the same time, I want this practice because this is the only way to be better! I have a lot of delivery skills to work upon, which hopefully will be a fruitful experience afterall!
Thursday, September 16, 2010
Launching Out as a Student Teacher!
My two weeks in school has been very fulfilling which make the days and evenings full of work, presentation, reflections, and more. Due to family commitments, I have had some difficulties in terms of scheduling, focusing, and reading at home. The only place where I feel belonged was at the church last Saturday when I was stepping on the podium to conduct. I felt that that was who I was and truly felt the space for prayer.
Speaking of prayers, I have to let myself to pray more for gaining more positivity and momentum, especially for today. No matter how much sleep I got, I knew that I had to persist in learning and getting some intelligent thoughts out from my brain :) The passion about teaching is wonderful, because I have noticed a big difference when I put enthusiasm in my teaching yesterday with my piano student that her behavior changed and focussed well to try hard. She was taking ownership of her work and putting effort in trying new skills! I was very impressed!!! I never thought of encouraging and praising my student in such a way! I only knew from behavioral theorists about how to control problem behavior. Sometimes, I just have to be a bit more carefree and go with what I know in order to teach.
I have met a lot of interesting classmates in my cohort. Two of them have come back from Asia to study in school - one from Japan and one from China. I have enjoyed talking with them because they know a lot more than I know as a foreigner traveling in these countries. I haven't been back to Asia for almost three years - I really miss my Asian roots!
At the same time, being a Vancouverite is such a bliss because you get to be exposed with the Asian cultures very closely. At the same time, I have been living in Canada for almost 16 years that I now consider myself as a Chinese Canadian more than a Canadian Chinese. Teaching is a profession about expressing who we are and how we approach the tree of knowledge in our lives through challenges and difficulties. I used to love camping, hiking, and helping others that I want to do more in the near future helping out my students!
As fearful as it can be, a student teacher faces his or her own fears, as well as fears that come directly towards himself or herself - such as time management, student's behavioral issues, report card pressure, etc. Communicating with special needs could be a tough part because it isn't everyone on the same page with the perspectives, technology, and educational training to pave the way. I hope that my experiences from special needs background could be useful for the long-run in becoming a better and more compassionate individual and teacher!
Speaking of prayers, I have to let myself to pray more for gaining more positivity and momentum, especially for today. No matter how much sleep I got, I knew that I had to persist in learning and getting some intelligent thoughts out from my brain :) The passion about teaching is wonderful, because I have noticed a big difference when I put enthusiasm in my teaching yesterday with my piano student that her behavior changed and focussed well to try hard. She was taking ownership of her work and putting effort in trying new skills! I was very impressed!!! I never thought of encouraging and praising my student in such a way! I only knew from behavioral theorists about how to control problem behavior. Sometimes, I just have to be a bit more carefree and go with what I know in order to teach.
I have met a lot of interesting classmates in my cohort. Two of them have come back from Asia to study in school - one from Japan and one from China. I have enjoyed talking with them because they know a lot more than I know as a foreigner traveling in these countries. I haven't been back to Asia for almost three years - I really miss my Asian roots!
At the same time, being a Vancouverite is such a bliss because you get to be exposed with the Asian cultures very closely. At the same time, I have been living in Canada for almost 16 years that I now consider myself as a Chinese Canadian more than a Canadian Chinese. Teaching is a profession about expressing who we are and how we approach the tree of knowledge in our lives through challenges and difficulties. I used to love camping, hiking, and helping others that I want to do more in the near future helping out my students!
As fearful as it can be, a student teacher faces his or her own fears, as well as fears that come directly towards himself or herself - such as time management, student's behavioral issues, report card pressure, etc. Communicating with special needs could be a tough part because it isn't everyone on the same page with the perspectives, technology, and educational training to pave the way. I hope that my experiences from special needs background could be useful for the long-run in becoming a better and more compassionate individual and teacher!
Monday, August 09, 2010
Last Day of Reset!
This morning, I weighed myself to be 154 lbs/ 70 kg. Though I haven't eaten any regular meals lately, I feel like I'm more in control with my body, health, and energy. The fact that I feel less bulky makes a whole world to me. Since my grad in 2004, I underwent a lot of stages in life that changed my family and career choices. After 6 years, I'm back on my feet again. I'm back to school for post-secondary. I have my own family too.
My weight gain was related to the family changes that I experienced during the last year of university. I wasn't feeling happy - either from loneliness or relationship problems. I had to struggle while my church friends were the only ones to support. I could not stay focused in studies, thus the only way to make me stuck at the table was to eat. I felt hard to move on in life and work hard, thus I also eat. When Horace brought me out for dinners, I also eat a lot with him. When I started working, I also eat a lot of carbo to get my energy going because of the stress and anxiety that comes with care-taking special needs children. The cycle becomes uncontrollable that I can feel my body acting out like a balloon blowing up non-stop... I didn't eat a lot, but I still gained weigh. One day, my piano teacher told me that I had to stop this negative cycle. I have to thank him for alerting me! Even though my family doctor advised me to lose weigh before getting pregnant, because I don't want to become a big, fat OBASAN after giving birth to my children.
I'm glad to have felt a bit better - not only physically lighter, but also rewinding myself back to the older days where I was weak at certain aspects in life when I got challenged. This journey means a lot to me! Hope I could still continue with another 4 lbs for the next week! (lose 10 lbs in 2 weeks)
love, pat
My weight gain was related to the family changes that I experienced during the last year of university. I wasn't feeling happy - either from loneliness or relationship problems. I had to struggle while my church friends were the only ones to support. I could not stay focused in studies, thus the only way to make me stuck at the table was to eat. I felt hard to move on in life and work hard, thus I also eat. When Horace brought me out for dinners, I also eat a lot with him. When I started working, I also eat a lot of carbo to get my energy going because of the stress and anxiety that comes with care-taking special needs children. The cycle becomes uncontrollable that I can feel my body acting out like a balloon blowing up non-stop... I didn't eat a lot, but I still gained weigh. One day, my piano teacher told me that I had to stop this negative cycle. I have to thank him for alerting me! Even though my family doctor advised me to lose weigh before getting pregnant, because I don't want to become a big, fat OBASAN after giving birth to my children.
I'm glad to have felt a bit better - not only physically lighter, but also rewinding myself back to the older days where I was weak at certain aspects in life when I got challenged. This journey means a lot to me! Hope I could still continue with another 4 lbs for the next week! (lose 10 lbs in 2 weeks)
love, pat
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