Vulnerability

For God is a fair judge, I place my full trust in You.

Today, as I exited work after having a work meeting, I have had the most vulnerable feeling since last year's January. I just could not stop crying. Sometimes, life isn't fair, and I just have to learn how to be a fair player in this unjust world.

There's nothing wrong about the work meeting. I value my job and love the new environment. I can only appreciate what people do me good, and keep training myself up when people do me bad. There isn't good or bad for people's actions, because it all depends how you view those affecting own personal and professional lives.

It is difficult to explain this to my fiance, because he is the type of person who never has to truly worry and has the unlimited mobility and support from family. He does things in his way all the time, and even, he would rule your words and thoughts because he knows that you love and care for him. I can tell you that it is a pain to live with a 'little prince' - but friends would keep asking, why would you pick this person to be the partner of your life?

Lately, I have been undergoing a new stage of stress, which so-called 'New Year Stress.' Why? Because in the new year, everyone hopes to develop a new scheme of New Year Resolutions. While implementing them is a commitment, it doesn't come from one person, but from all. I can speak from life experiences that people commit when they truly believe that this would work, or simply they just want to follow and hopefully some leaders would guide them in the right way. I am both a leader and a follower, but my life is going to make a different course for marrying to another man.

Simplicity is the beauty. Ignorance is a bliss. When you love someone, it creates this zone of vulnerability for the other party to abuse and take advantage of you - and sometimes, you love till it hurts and it is time to retreat. I wish that someone can also treat me unconditionally, but I know that this will never happen on a human being, because we are limited and it is God's mercy to help us grow stronger when the wounded heart can be healed.

Why do people suffer? Can sufferings be eliminated? I don't know if I can truly believe in my fiance's view on how we can eliminate sufferings but trying not to experience it in the first place, but life can't be complete if things come in perfect form. I wish that I can rewind life by bringing him to be with me at my departed mom's bedside at the hospital and show him how God has transformed my life by witnessing the immense strength that she demonstrated to persist till her natural end in life. She teaches me this most important lesson in life - it is to fight life to the fullest and to the end, when God is ready to take us back to heaven.

Brokenness can sometimes be the most beautiful thing that we can ever experience, because we know that the importance of life comes from within, the inner strength, rather than superficial things that will pass like material possessions, and sometimes even your name.

Disability can make us humble and grow in complete form when we win the game of life. I just wish that he can understand and stop complaining about going to India in a month for a short work-term. Thank God!

Do you place your trust in your job, or in your marriage, maybe both, or even none?

I can only say that I feel very vulnerable now and have to say goodbye for a good retreat.
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