Awake in the middle of the night...

Restlessly, I crept out of bed this morning with a lingering thought. As I walked downstairs, I felt much safer and warmer as I reached out looking at the beautiful Christmas tree. The more I see it, the more I feel that I have a stronger presence.

As an honest truth, my senior high school was never a pleasant experience. I struggled through personal issues with family and relationship problems. Although academic marks were good enough to get me into the university, I never felt belonged but rejected.

I remembered that having pairs of eyes watching me from time to time in school. There were some very kind people who heard stories about me, but I didn't even know who they were. I received all that 'public attention', but none personally from this person whom I cared but I could not express my feelings. I was confused.

However, in the deepest valleys of my mind, I dreamed of this growing child who also becomes part of this fantasized world. I saw this child calling out his unique name. I wonder why my dreams would involve a person's child whom I haven't seen for almost 10 years+. At the end of the day, do I really care?

Having said that, are men really 'proud' of their number of girlfriends whom they have met before their marriage or when will they have their first sexual encounter? If you really love your wife, do you even care saying this to the world? I ponder. What kind of self-esteem is this? I also question why men would call their 'girlfriends' like 'discernment partners', 'sexual partners', partners, partners, partners... it sounds like that they are just your business partners!

I also feel that women care for the quality of their relationship with the counterparts over the quantity of relationships that make us who we are. If men are not there for women, this is just a fake relationship! Period. A relationship has to be substantial. It fills our souls, our minds, and our thoughts. It does not exist in the world that men claims to know multiples ones in one place, or a series of them with one in each city. To me, personally, this claim is an absolutely insult.

In my entire life, I have been a 'middle person' for two couples. One was back in the senior highschool years. They are still dating together, but haven't got married yet. One is in the university years, they are going to get married next year. I wish I could be there to bless them and make a positive difference in this chaotic world of 'love matters.'

I learned that I didn't trust people's words over the course of years. Perhaps this would be the only way to truly protect myself. I was surprised that my husband found a way to break the ice and give me a lot of strength to overcome this trust issue. He did mention to me at one point that he sensed this problem out from me. I just wish that this could truly be resolved, because why should we be held back from our past experiences when the situation set us up for failures?

It was a painful experience. Yet, I also thought that if people are sensible enough, they would learn how to care for others, grow maturely, and be the kind of person who bring the best of our ourselves. A kid exists for his or her own purpose. He/ she doesn't exist for us to relive our experiences or a patch to our selfish hearts. He/ she is not an instrument or tool to be used, given by God as a second chance, as a way to heal the broken hearts that we once experienced. Perhaps I'm being too critical, I just wish that kids are kids. Leave them alone. Let them to be who they are. That also reminds me to be critical about myself not doing it! I was once a victim of this terrible loophole which seems to be no end...

If only one day, I can truly forgive and forget this person who sticks out in my dream from time to time... just leave me alone!!!