How to Teach?

After enroling in the program for 4 months, I have felt that my whole being is 'sucked up' because of the level of commitment required for everyday preparation. For some other people, it would be fine to participate a bit more with class social activities or even some extra training. I always seem to struggle with time and regular needs. I even find myself changing my sleep schedule, work habits, and eating preferences. It is unbelievable! I very much hope to read a bit more books (I haven't read much or exercised much to fulfill the needs of being a teacher!). It feels like a plant having no water in the roots. Reading, resting, and exercising is just like finding an oasis in a desert. I would have no idea how people would survive by going out every night for drinks, dates, and church commitments. There is no time or space left for self-nourishment in the mind and the soul.

Teaching in Vancouver is challenging because we are struggling with the diverse needs of student population. It is very diverse that makes teachers feeling a bit uneasy, because teachers should aim to work with many cultural and religious differences. We have to identify the living environment of the student in order to be supportive, constructive, and positive about their learning process. Comparing to the system in HK, students in Vancouver have more freedom to express who they are, learn what they desire, and have more opportunities to discover about self. For instance, students in HK have a teen culture that evolves around exams, competition, and preparation towards foreign secondary institutes. I feel sorry for the little ones who constantly go to after-school tutoring, just because they can win the game ahead of everyone measured according to time but not their level of intelligence. Although I have had a hard time with students in Vancouver 'slacking off' by having no homework, I think that having homework is a means to train self-discipline and studying habits. It helps students to develop a sense of commitment to something that requires their attention that is essential and be personally responsible for it. I don't believe that students know how to regulate their own self, unless someone like a parent or a teacher who models and guides their thoughts and actions. I would have a hard time if parents challenge me about the necessity of giving homework. As teachers, we would have to spend time in marking them. There is a reason why we give homework in order to keep learning as two-way. Students don't just listen receptively. They think about the questions that they don't know at home and would come back to discuss together in-class. They learn how to work with others. As far as I know, I'd be a bit disappointed when students don't do their homework and would expect to pass each grade. It would be a tough time for me as a new teacher.

Road to Sainthood

I thought I'd never write about my mother, because her story should end as her life 'ended' about 10 years ago back in Vancouver. My enriched perception about life and death is part of being 'who I am' and 'why I am here.' I feel challenged and confused as my aging father is sharing more and more about himself. What would happen if my father had a second spouse? Why do we live the way that we are today? Is it all about social development or economic advantage? Or, is it because that we all are striving for a fuller spiritual entity that defines who we are as we end our lives on earth? I don't seem to know. Or, I sometimes even struggle with what I feel.

St. Augustine says, "The absence of good is evil." I tell my friends how important it is to be a good person, because we have to do good and choose to do it.

It is a very blessed time to visit the churches in Macau and Hong Kong, because I see a very different life form in this part of the world where the word of God is practised and spread. I enjoy every single moment to pray to God and ask for His providence and peace. Sometimes, the longer I stay in Asia, the more I feel that I'm lost from my Vancouver home. My goal should always be having my eyes on God because I should strive for the uncorrupted body with fragrant prayer reaching up to the heaven. I pray for the repose of my mother's soul and the peace of our family. In Jesus' name, amen.

Awake in the middle of the night...

Restlessly, I crept out of bed this morning with a lingering thought. As I walked downstairs, I felt much safer and warmer as I reached out looking at the beautiful Christmas tree. The more I see it, the more I feel that I have a stronger presence.

As an honest truth, my senior high school was never a pleasant experience. I struggled through personal issues with family and relationship problems. Although academic marks were good enough to get me into the university, I never felt belonged but rejected.

I remembered that having pairs of eyes watching me from time to time in school. There were some very kind people who heard stories about me, but I didn't even know who they were. I received all that 'public attention', but none personally from this person whom I cared but I could not express my feelings. I was confused.

However, in the deepest valleys of my mind, I dreamed of this growing child who also becomes part of this fantasized world. I saw this child calling out his unique name. I wonder why my dreams would involve a person's child whom I haven't seen for almost 10 years+. At the end of the day, do I really care?

Having said that, are men really 'proud' of their number of girlfriends whom they have met before their marriage or when will they have their first sexual encounter? If you really love your wife, do you even care saying this to the world? I ponder. What kind of self-esteem is this? I also question why men would call their 'girlfriends' like 'discernment partners', 'sexual partners', partners, partners, partners... it sounds like that they are just your business partners!

I also feel that women care for the quality of their relationship with the counterparts over the quantity of relationships that make us who we are. If men are not there for women, this is just a fake relationship! Period. A relationship has to be substantial. It fills our souls, our minds, and our thoughts. It does not exist in the world that men claims to know multiples ones in one place, or a series of them with one in each city. To me, personally, this claim is an absolutely insult.

In my entire life, I have been a 'middle person' for two couples. One was back in the senior highschool years. They are still dating together, but haven't got married yet. One is in the university years, they are going to get married next year. I wish I could be there to bless them and make a positive difference in this chaotic world of 'love matters.'

I learned that I didn't trust people's words over the course of years. Perhaps this would be the only way to truly protect myself. I was surprised that my husband found a way to break the ice and give me a lot of strength to overcome this trust issue. He did mention to me at one point that he sensed this problem out from me. I just wish that this could truly be resolved, because why should we be held back from our past experiences when the situation set us up for failures?

It was a painful experience. Yet, I also thought that if people are sensible enough, they would learn how to care for others, grow maturely, and be the kind of person who bring the best of our ourselves. A kid exists for his or her own purpose. He/ she doesn't exist for us to relive our experiences or a patch to our selfish hearts. He/ she is not an instrument or tool to be used, given by God as a second chance, as a way to heal the broken hearts that we once experienced. Perhaps I'm being too critical, I just wish that kids are kids. Leave them alone. Let them to be who they are. That also reminds me to be critical about myself not doing it! I was once a victim of this terrible loophole which seems to be no end...

If only one day, I can truly forgive and forget this person who sticks out in my dream from time to time... just leave me alone!!!

3rd week of classes

This weekend, we have been all tired by Friday afternoon that some of us fell asleep in class, some got sick, and some just got anxious about the assignments that will be due next week. It has been a month of valuable experiences! (1 out of 10 months has been done!) Kinda excited, but at the same time, overwhelmed!! For some people, it's easy because they only have to deal with their own personal life, but for me, I had to juggle with a couple of commitments to make my first month work. Work, volunteering, b-days, and family visits have made my weekends almost packed with stuff!!! I hope to take the weekends off to recoup, cook, and nourish, but apparently this hasn't been happening except today (just because I'm sick at home). I hate this feeling! I really wanna be up and going again!!

I started my first practicum last Tuesdays, which was valuable because I got to observe classrooms of K, Grade 2, Grade 3, Grade 6, and Grade 7. I skipped out Grades 1, 4, and 5 because I have got no time. I really like the different grades that I was able to observe, although my concentration should be with the intermediate grades. I have to watch clearly what and how I speak in classroom, because this is the essential communication that I convey, plus some non-verbal gestures. I noticed that my fac advisor is very good at picking out my mistakes, but at the same time, I want this practice because this is the only way to be better! I have a lot of delivery skills to work upon, which hopefully will be a fruitful experience afterall!

Launching Out as a Student Teacher!

My two weeks in school has been very fulfilling which make the days and evenings full of work, presentation, reflections, and more. Due to family commitments, I have had some difficulties in terms of scheduling, focusing, and reading at home. The only place where I feel belonged was at the church last Saturday when I was stepping on the podium to conduct. I felt that that was who I was and truly felt the space for prayer.

Speaking of prayers, I have to let myself to pray more for gaining more positivity and momentum, especially for today. No matter how much sleep I got, I knew that I had to persist in learning and getting some intelligent thoughts out from my brain :) The passion about teaching is wonderful, because I have noticed a big difference when I put enthusiasm in my teaching yesterday with my piano student that her behavior changed and focussed well to try hard. She was taking ownership of her work and putting effort in trying new skills! I was very impressed!!! I never thought of encouraging and praising my student in such a way! I only knew from behavioral theorists about how to control problem behavior. Sometimes, I just have to be a bit more carefree and go with what I know in order to teach.

I have met a lot of interesting classmates in my cohort. Two of them have come back from Asia to study in school - one from Japan and one from China. I have enjoyed talking with them because they know a lot more than I know as a foreigner traveling in these countries. I haven't been back to Asia for almost three years - I really miss my Asian roots!

At the same time, being a Vancouverite is such a bliss because you get to be exposed with the Asian cultures very closely. At the same time, I have been living in Canada for almost 16 years that I now consider myself as a Chinese Canadian more than a Canadian Chinese. Teaching is a profession about expressing who we are and how we approach the tree of knowledge in our lives through challenges and difficulties. I used to love camping, hiking, and helping others that I want to do more in the near future helping out my students!

As fearful as it can be, a student teacher faces his or her own fears, as well as fears that come directly towards himself or herself - such as time management, student's behavioral issues, report card pressure, etc. Communicating with special needs could be a tough part because it isn't everyone on the same page with the perspectives, technology, and educational training to pave the way. I hope that my experiences from special needs background could be useful for the long-run in becoming a better and more compassionate individual and teacher!

Last Day of Reset!

This morning, I weighed myself to be 154 lbs/ 70 kg. Though I haven't eaten any regular meals lately, I feel like I'm more in control with my body, health, and energy. The fact that I feel less bulky makes a whole world to me. Since my grad in 2004, I underwent a lot of stages in life that changed my family and career choices. After 6 years, I'm back on my feet again. I'm back to school for post-secondary. I have my own family too.

My weight gain was related to the family changes that I experienced during the last year of university. I wasn't feeling happy - either from loneliness or relationship problems. I had to struggle while my church friends were the only ones to support. I could not stay focused in studies, thus the only way to make me stuck at the table was to eat. I felt hard to move on in life and work hard, thus I also eat. When Horace brought me out for dinners, I also eat a lot with him. When I started working, I also eat a lot of carbo to get my energy going because of the stress and anxiety that comes with care-taking special needs children. The cycle becomes uncontrollable that I can feel my body acting out like a balloon blowing up non-stop... I didn't eat a lot, but I still gained weigh. One day, my piano teacher told me that I had to stop this negative cycle. I have to thank him for alerting me! Even though my family doctor advised me to lose weigh before getting pregnant, because I don't want to become a big, fat OBASAN after giving birth to my children.

I'm glad to have felt a bit better - not only physically lighter, but also rewinding myself back to the older days where I was weak at certain aspects in life when I got challenged. This journey means a lot to me! Hope I could still continue with another 4 lbs for the next week! (lose 10 lbs in 2 weeks)

love, pat

Lost 5 lbs - true or unreal?

Today, I have been on my 4th day of USANA Reset program diet. Honestly, I think that I've failed quite bad because I missed two meals of milkshake - on the first day and the third day. In between meals, I ate more than 1 serving of vegetables and sometimes had a couple bites of sweet stuff. I try to make my veggies a bit plain at first - just with lime juice. However, I have found that it's kind of unbearable without tasting anything, thus I went ahead to put white/ black/ red peppers, basil/ oregano, and lemon juice (for substituting lime juice).

We tried zucchini, tomatoes, portabello, mushrooms, banana peppers, eggplants, and lettuce. The vegetables add a lot of life into our regular health routines. We respect the environment and become more self-conscious about our own health system.

I come to respect the vegetables better these days, because I rarely know how to relate to them in any other creative ways except boiling them. Now I know how to grill them more properly before they turn bad.

I also remember how I grew my own vegetables organically at home. It takes a long time (at least 2-3 months) for a cucumber to grow from seeds into a fruit!!! It takes the planter's patience and effort to make them happening. When I hold these vegetables that I bought from farm in my own hands, I become more aware of what I am eating that are effecting my body and the environment.

Eating more healthily is not a short-term passion, but it is a change in our lifestyle for better health!

I hope that I could continue on with more thoughts on exercising! Because right now, I am busy with settling in my home which takes up a lot of energy too!!

Weight Loss Journey

I started trying the USANA Reset program on August 5 (Thurs) to kick start my dieting plan for the goal of losing 30 lbs. On the first day, I was very excited to start the milkshake and nutribars for the morning and the evening with supplements, while I only had a cold ramen (low-glycemic meal) in the afternoon. I didn't know that I had to switch all my 3 meals into milkshake content that I left out 1 meal to achieve the best results of the first day.

As the second day (August 6) went, I thought that it would be a total disaster because it was my husband's birthday. Without much planning ahead, I just said to myself that I had to keep my nutrimeals going, while my husband and my brother will celebrate with BBQ foods/ Thai foods/ and Japadogs. On top of my nutrimeals, I ate just a lot of veggies (eg. grilled zuccini, portebello, eggplant, edamame salad, onion/ lettuce/ tomato salad) and one serving of fruits (which are blueberries only). I thought I did a pretty a good job, except I could not withhold with one bite of toasted marshmellow and two scoops of green tea tofu cheesecake because of my sweet-tooth on my hubby's b-day. In a hindsight, if it were for the USANA Reset program, I would eat a lot of BBQ meat while going for Jap kebab foods at night - it would be a lot of intake with protein, sugar, and fat. However, the concept of going hi-fiber is still not very strong in my mind - firstly, it was because I don't think a lot about fiber, but I do have a good job thinking about going vegetarian. Secondly, I don't think any foods for celebration are hi-fiber - would a birthday cake be hi-fiber? My milkshake contains over 12 kinds of water-soluble and non-soluble proteins that I don't have to worry about not taking enough fiber inside the health system. It feels good to be taken care of the basic needs that I just have to focus my mind on thinking about healthy foods and doing exercises. On the other hand, I also went to the bathroom much more often because my intestines were always making sound. The fiber contents were making me to excrete waste in healthy forms, but in more frequent ways. At the end of the second day, I weigh myself going from 160 lbs to 157 lbs - losing 3 lbs!!!!!!

This morning, I woke up craving about the foods that I could not have yesterday. However, I kept on drinking my breakfast milkshake, which makes me feel very comfortable and heart-warming (because I know that this is good for me). In fact, I discovered that I have little resistance towards sweet things, as well I like to taste and chew the tasty foods like Thai. I don't necessarily feel hungry to eat those, because during the last evening when I finished my strawberry milkshake in the movie theater with my husband that my stomach and my brain tell me that I cannot take in more milkshake anymore. However, I still wanted to eat what my husband ate, eg. Tong Yum Gai, Fish Cake, Beef Salad, and Japadog. As well, everyone around me in the movie theater were holding bags of popcorn, fried chicken, and fries. When I smelled those foods, though it makes my brain feeling a bit craved, but I wanted to vomit as the same time because those foods would definitely make my body sick. It was a good sign because the defensive system of my dieting started to kick in! I wanted to lose weigh and feel better! It was crazy in the world seeing lots of people doing things that are not supposed to be good to themselves... how could I be different from them? Where could I get the support to be different and be healthy again?

I feel happy to be able to share all my feelings about my weight loss journey here! Hope that I will succeed all the way - from 5 lbs to 10 lbs!!! (eventually, 30 lbs!!!!)